This starts with what happened, then “rambles” a bit as I stand on my soap box.
For the longest time, I wanted to find a church that I could belong to. I found that church last year. It is a Christian youth ministry and it meets on my college campus. I fell in love on the first day that I went there. I was welcomed and embraced with open arms and warm greetings. I had found a church family.
There was one thing that scared me though...I’m gay. I slowly started to come out to them and each time I did, it was no big deal and they all loved me the same as they did before they knew. That became even more amazing for me.
Last year was the good year...
This year, so much has changed. The people are all the same, the group is all the same, the location is different, the pastor is the same, and the pastor is different.
We’ll call the pastor “T” cause it’s his initial and I wouldn’t want people to see him for who he is all too soon if they met him.
But this year is different. Last year he preached how God loves us and wants us to live for Him and to live by His example. He showed God as who He really is, the loving Father that will always be there for us and with us. This year, he is portraying God as some angry ruler that is furious at us for how we are. It is almost as if he’s saying that God will forever hate us unless we make Jesus love us and we all become perfect people...even though we are never near perfect.
Tons of new people have come...and never returned this year. I talk every now and again with people that came every day last year and they have all said things about “T”. The only one I had seen was that he was getting darker in his sermons. The other things they said they saw in him, I discovered later.
He did a night devoted to showing compassion to people. He said how the people that need compassion were the sick or the lost. And because of their need for compassion, they were blocking out God. Then he did what was needed to push me away. He listed off all the groups of people that he deemed needed compassion and that we should go out and minister to. This list was about 5 minutes long and full of all his “compassionless” people. He listed off the orphans and the widows, the diseased and the mentally ill, and then he mentioned the homosexual community. He put the stake through my heart when he said that. For the rest of the night, he never even looked in my direction.
I needed to know. I needed to know if he really saw me as someone who was sick or lost and in need of healing or guidance.
I knew that if I were to talk to him first, it would all be nothing more than “F*ck you “T”. You know nothing” and then I would storm out angry. So I talked to the youth minister under him. We had a nice little conversation and I still love her. She talked and the main point of hers was that we need to listen to God and try to do His will. Then she asked if I wanted to know what she thought. She said that the bible says it’s a sin, but she has so many gay friends that have all said they have always been gay. So, she doesn’t see how they could be made this way and then told they were wrong for it.
It hurt to hear that she honestly sees it as a sin, but it was refreshing to know she is questioning it.
My time to talk to “T” was the following day. I went to class, couldn’t stop fearing what he would say. I went to work, couldn’t stop worrying that I’d lose all respect for him. I even watched Project Runway and couldn’t stop tensing up at the thoughts of what he might say. So finally, I texted him and said I was ok. I told him that I didn’t need to see him and good bye. He said ok and that he was still free if I needed to talk to him.
What I didn’t tell him was that I was never going to come to *his* church again.
But he didn’t get that message.
He texted me at least once every day and reminded me about some event and offering a ride if I needed one. I didn’t respond. Then there was a text the Monday after I didn’t come to church.
“We missed u on Sunday. Please dont make the decision not to come back, based on assumptions. We love u.”
That one got to me and stuck in the bone. I would write the entire conversation, but all his texts revolve around following God’s word.
My response was along the lines of, “But that’s just it. I am not assuming. I can’t go to a place where I am loved and not accepted.”
Then it just continued on and on. He was the pastor. I was the challenge. I told him how I have always been gay. I told him how I begged and prayed for God to fix me and heal me. I told him how I died and was talked to by God and told that I would be ok. And then I told him how I have been persecuted for living and loving the truth.
Nothing.
He responded with the same stuff and said that God can speak to us, but He never goes against His word.
I had had enough. I won the fight. I told him that I am who I am. It’s me and always will be. I told him how it is true what others have said, that to disagree with him is to be wrong. And then I told him the next time we meet, it will be in Heaven. I will look upon him and only reply with an “I told you so.”
This all happened about a week and a half ago.
I have not been to church now and I really hate it. I loved going to church. Singing worship. Meeting new people. Hanging out with friends. Learning the gospel. Now that I am not going, I feel like I am missing a day and something that I am supposed to do. There are a few other churches on campus, but none of the days really fit around my classes and such.
I saw “T” today. I was already on the war path rampage so that I could yell at my manager. (I was hired specifically for the hours I could work. We get a new manager and I am not even on the schedule anymore. He says he’ll make me an on call Starbucks Barista. WTF!?!? I honestly want to get him fired. But anyway...) He was walking out of the Starbucks, turns, and sees me. Then he leans on this pillar and looks at me and smiles as if nothing is wrong. I am so happy that I had sunglasses on cause my eyes could have turned him to stone I was so furious. But I just walked right past him and didn’t even acknowledge that he was there.
Should I do anything? I already know he is a lost cause. He went to private Christian boarding schools and missionaries all his life. There is only one side to his mind and his beliefs. Is there any point in trying to teach him the real truth about us? He sees himself as a friend of mine, but a real friend encourages who we are, not try to change them entirely.
You know, as much as I love God and His Son, I really am half and half with His followers.
I am a Gay Christian male and I am a Christian Gay male. That is who I am. Plain and simple. If you ever need to describe me to anyone, that is the best way. (You might need to add theatre in there...but) I am Christian because I follow God and love people. I plan on getting married and loving one person for the rest of my life. I am Gay because I am attracted to men emotionally and physically. I want a husband and not a wife. Therefore, I am a Christian Gay Male.
Who are you to decide that I am living sins by being gay when you yourself have no idea what it is like? How can you look upon me and my people as corrupt when you never take the time to understand us?
I have no respect for people like “T” and these gutter preachers. I used to call them street preachers, but gutter sounds more fitting since their words belong in the sewage.
How dare you look upon me as a sinner.
I have been gay my entire life. I remember a crush on the white Power Ranger that I had. I drowned in the ocean once. I saw things and heard even more things. Dieing is what really made me start to believe. And when I was saved by that life guard, I remember how much I loved when I was embraced by his strong arms as he held me tight and protected me until we got to shore. (Looking back on this, I am reminded how much I actually am drawn to life guards. I can tell you about the three that I’ll always remember.) I have been gay my entire life.
People have said it’s a choice. You know, you are right. I totally forgot that I picked my white skin, my pain in the ass hair, and my brown eyes. You know...come to think of it, I did accidentally click the “Gay” button instead of the “Straight” button. Oops, my bad. Maybe I should get a tune up.
I have no respect for these people that say it’s a choice that we act upon. I wonder if they actually watch the news or read a newspaper every now and again? Hate crimes. Murders. Abandonments. Oh yeah, these are just some of the perks of being gay nowadays.
You know, if I actually had the choice to be gay or straight...I would pick straight at first. It would be so much easier that it’s not even funny. Just think about it. I would not feel like an alien around my family. I wouldn’t be an outcast that needs to be changed in my church. I wouldn’t have my parents fearing that I’ll be killed by some homophobic jack ass that crosses my path.
These are just some other benefits that came when I came out. I am pretty much excluded by most of my gay community here and have no gay friends. (You know what though? At least I am real.) I actually got a hate call this year. I have no idea who he was, but he knew me and he really wanted me to know how much he hates me for being gay.
But you know what? I just need to remember that I chose this. It’s my fault that people hate me because I chose to be who I am. (You can’t see it, but I am putting my hands in the “W” sign for “Whatever”.)
I fought with myself for 19 years. I fought all the thoughts and the desires. I would pray asking God for forgiveness for wanting guys. I begged Him to take the thoughts and everything out of me so that I could be “right” and live “right”. I hated myself for 19 years. Moving across the country couldn’t remove the thoughts or the loathing. And finally, it was like I was free again. I realized that God was soothing me and showing me that I am who I am and He will always love me for it. That is when I came out and that is when I became free. God made me as I am and nothing has changed. If you decide to argue this, then you are arguing that God made a mistake. I don’t believe that God makes mistakes.
God loves us eternally, even if you don’t love Him. That means God loves me too, even if you don’t.
When I think of everything, I think of everything that has happened and everything that still has yet to happen. I would hate myself if I forced myself to be straight and chose that life. I know two people that I pretty much have no respect for (right now at least).
One, I started to fall for. I thought he was amazing and was such a great catch...then I got to know him. When I finally asked where he was, he told me that he was going to fool around with guys, but in 10 years end up with a woman. Because of that, I have no desire to even be around him anymore. Enjoy your caged life.
Two, is someone that I thought was a friend. He’s out to half of the world, but not to us. What the fuck? I thought that a friend could tell friends things. Instead I have to find out through others? Believe me...I know your secrets.
These are just two examples of people living lies. In my opinion, the first one is unhealthy and the second is just sad. But I bring these up because (I wanted to just get these words out there, and) I think they are the products of people like “T” and the gutter preachers.
I want to fall in love with a man and give him my heart in exchange for his. I believe that someday this country will either get smart or give in and allow me to get married. And when that happens, I want us to stand together in front of our family, friends, and God and vow our lives to each other in love and holy matrimony. Then, we’d set up house together and eventually have at least one child. We would spend our lives together in love and laughter and supporting each other through the hard times. I even look forward to hearing that we are going to be grandpas. That is my dream.
If you are too closed off to what is the true truth, then leave, you have no place with me. If you are like “T”, then you have no value to me until you see the light and can accept me for who I always was, who I am, and who I will always be.
Until then, I’ll see you in Heaven. You’ll see me. My wings will be beautiful silvers and blues and I’ll be dancing on a star with my husband.
Good bye.
