Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Am I Being Too Unreasonable?

Hi, I am Nathan. I’m a Pisces, 21, such a mixture of races, love Reese’s but can only spell them because there is a bag of them on my desk, can play a song I love all day...week and still not get tired of it, love to take pictures but often forget my camera, I actually named my camera too, can pole dance your socks off, silent when I want to be, loud almost all the rest of the time, am so unhealthily afraid of needles but secretly loved getting my first tattoo, could watch Disney movies until the electricity ran out, love to just walk around with no destination in mind, sit in the rain and love every second of it, stand in the snow and count the snowflakes, doodle this and that all over my class notes, have never been asked a question I didn’t feel comfortable answering, and the list goes on endlessly. Ultimately, you will never meet me in anyone else. I’ve never met anyone like me and am pretty sure that neither will you.
Here’s my dilemma, my “problem” if you will:
I hate that I am single and my strongest wish above all else is to be in love and be loved in return...but...I won’t return love shown to me with love, but instead something else, and have no desire to be anything other than single.
(I should have also said I like to be cryptic...hehe)
Basically, I want so much to be in love. Have you heard the song “Untouched” by The Veronica’s? I want to feel that way about a guy. Whenever I am out and about and the song comes on, I day dream that my guy will just walk up and kiss me like it is the last thing we will ever do on this earth. I would kill for romance! I live for the little things in life so much so that I would even melt over something so simple as him sneaking up and holding my hand as we walk together. I could go for hours just describing my ideal love and all the details about it...
But I have found myself closing off to it. I find it being easier and easier to just avoid and deny live without it and ensure that I do. I’m teased as being the male Aphrodite and being all about love and romance, but closing off that part of me and freeze drying my heart is what I find myself doing lately.
I know this sounds crazy and all, but I do actually have a lot of reasoning behind it. I can’t really stand almost all of the gays in my little college town. The only ones that I can honestly tell are gay are the total stereotypes. If it’s not the appearance, it’s the mannerisms. If it’s not the mannerisms, it’s the voice. If it’s not the voice, they’ve (lets say) starved themselves so much to fit in to their pretty little drag dresses. Then, of course, there are the combinations. I’m gay cause I like men...these are not men.
I’ve learned so much about the gays in my little town. Apparently, you are only as popular as how much you can be used for. I can’t be used, therefore I am not desired. I’m not going to buy all the booze, I’m not going to jump into bed on the first date (and most likely not even the first year), I would really like to be friends first, I actually cannot smoke and cannot be around smokers, and I will not do drugs. (I was pissed to find out that’s the reason so many of them are so skinny!) It’s kind of a cool feeling though because I think that they are really starting to desire me and all they receive is one denial after another. There’s power in being the one no one can have. ;)
I would be exaggerating if I said that all the gays here are like that. There are others. Some of them are great guys, they really are. But I know none of them are for me. I can pretty much place my finger exactly on the spot where it says we are only meant to be friends. There’s nothing wrong with them, they just are not for me. You know?
Then of course there are the ones that I have no idea at all that they are gay. It’s always so nice to find them...but so sad cause they are taken by either a great guy or being suffocated by the first group I mentioned.
Even with all this, there’s one reason that makes me really not care at all about looking for a guy. I have only one year left here. After my senior year and my graduation, I am out of here. After doing the Disney internship, I know my life is at Disney. I have a contact that told me whenever I call him, I have a job. Knowing this, I don’t really want a relationship right now. I can’t be the guy who says, “I love you and you love me. But if you want me, you have to follow me and move your life to stay in mine.” That’s beyond unfair in my eyes and I couldn’t bring myself to do that to anyone. If it’s not going to last, then I don’t want to even start it. I don’t want a fling, I want the real thing.
This is me though and no “rules” or “regulations” will keep me from love. If a guy were to fall from the sky and in to my life I would welcome him in. If later I found out he’s from California or wants to move there after college (close to Disney), then there’s no way I could fight a real relationship from forming.

Does this make me unreasonable? I just feel like I am being too picky or demanding.

No matter what, my heart will never stop reaching out and calling to its other half. I am just trying to keep it blinded and deafened from the world until I am settled back in to it.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I told off a pastor the other day...

This starts with what happened, then “rambles” a bit as I stand on my soap box.

For the longest time, I wanted to find a church that I could belong to. I found that church last year. It is a Christian youth ministry and it meets on my college campus. I fell in love on the first day that I went there. I was welcomed and embraced with open arms and warm greetings. I had found a church family.
There was one thing that scared me though...I’m gay. I slowly started to come out to them and each time I did, it was no big deal and they all loved me the same as they did before they knew. That became even more amazing for me.
Last year was the good year...
This year, so much has changed. The people are all the same, the group is all the same, the location is different, the pastor is the same, and the pastor is different.
We’ll call the pastor “T” cause it’s his initial and I wouldn’t want people to see him for who he is all too soon if they met him.
But this year is different. Last year he preached how God loves us and wants us to live for Him and to live by His example. He showed God as who He really is, the loving Father that will always be there for us and with us. This year, he is portraying God as some angry ruler that is furious at us for how we are. It is almost as if he’s saying that God will forever hate us unless we make Jesus love us and we all become perfect people...even though we are never near perfect.
Tons of new people have come...and never returned this year. I talk every now and again with people that came every day last year and they have all said things about “T”. The only one I had seen was that he was getting darker in his sermons. The other things they said they saw in him, I discovered later.
He did a night devoted to showing compassion to people. He said how the people that need compassion were the sick or the lost. And because of their need for compassion, they were blocking out God. Then he did what was needed to push me away. He listed off all the groups of people that he deemed needed compassion and that we should go out and minister to. This list was about 5 minutes long and full of all his “compassionless” people. He listed off the orphans and the widows, the diseased and the mentally ill, and then he mentioned the homosexual community. He put the stake through my heart when he said that. For the rest of the night, he never even looked in my direction.
I needed to know. I needed to know if he really saw me as someone who was sick or lost and in need of healing or guidance.
I knew that if I were to talk to him first, it would all be nothing more than “F*ck you “T”. You know nothing” and then I would storm out angry. So I talked to the youth minister under him. We had a nice little conversation and I still love her. She talked and the main point of hers was that we need to listen to God and try to do His will. Then she asked if I wanted to know what she thought. She said that the bible says it’s a sin, but she has so many gay friends that have all said they have always been gay. So, she doesn’t see how they could be made this way and then told they were wrong for it.
It hurt to hear that she honestly sees it as a sin, but it was refreshing to know she is questioning it.
My time to talk to “T” was the following day. I went to class, couldn’t stop fearing what he would say. I went to work, couldn’t stop worrying that I’d lose all respect for him. I even watched Project Runway and couldn’t stop tensing up at the thoughts of what he might say. So finally, I texted him and said I was ok. I told him that I didn’t need to see him and good bye. He said ok and that he was still free if I needed to talk to him.
What I didn’t tell him was that I was never going to come to *his* church again.
But he didn’t get that message.
He texted me at least once every day and reminded me about some event and offering a ride if I needed one. I didn’t respond. Then there was a text the Monday after I didn’t come to church.
“We missed u on Sunday. Please dont make the decision not to come back, based on assumptions. We love u.”
That one got to me and stuck in the bone. I would write the entire conversation, but all his texts revolve around following God’s word.
My response was along the lines of, “But that’s just it. I am not assuming. I can’t go to a place where I am loved and not accepted.”
Then it just continued on and on. He was the pastor. I was the challenge. I told him how I have always been gay. I told him how I begged and prayed for God to fix me and heal me. I told him how I died and was talked to by God and told that I would be ok. And then I told him how I have been persecuted for living and loving the truth.
He responded with the same stuff and said that God can speak to us, but He never goes against His word.
I had had enough. I won the fight. I told him that I am who I am. It’s me and always will be. I told him how it is true what others have said, that to disagree with him is to be wrong. And then I told him the next time we meet, it will be in Heaven. I will look upon him and only reply with an “I told you so.”

This all happened about a week and a half ago.

I have not been to church now and I really hate it. I loved going to church. Singing worship. Meeting new people. Hanging out with friends. Learning the gospel. Now that I am not going, I feel like I am missing a day and something that I am supposed to do. There are a few other churches on campus, but none of the days really fit around my classes and such.

I saw “T” today. I was already on the war path rampage so that I could yell at my manager. (I was hired specifically for the hours I could work. We get a new manager and I am not even on the schedule anymore. He says he’ll make me an on call Starbucks Barista. WTF!?!? I honestly want to get him fired. But anyway...) He was walking out of the Starbucks, turns, and sees me. Then he leans on this pillar and looks at me and smiles as if nothing is wrong. I am so happy that I had sunglasses on cause my eyes could have turned him to stone I was so furious. But I just walked right past him and didn’t even acknowledge that he was there.
Should I do anything? I already know he is a lost cause. He went to private Christian boarding schools and missionaries all his life. There is only one side to his mind and his beliefs. Is there any point in trying to teach him the real truth about us? He sees himself as a friend of mine, but a real friend encourages who we are, not try to change them entirely.

You know, as much as I love God and His Son, I really am half and half with His followers.

I am a Gay Christian male and I am a Christian Gay male. That is who I am. Plain and simple. If you ever need to describe me to anyone, that is the best way. (You might need to add theatre in there...but) I am Christian because I follow God and love people. I plan on getting married and loving one person for the rest of my life. I am Gay because I am attracted to men emotionally and physically. I want a husband and not a wife. Therefore, I am a Christian Gay Male.

Who are you to decide that I am living sins by being gay when you yourself have no idea what it is like? How can you look upon me and my people as corrupt when you never take the time to understand us?
I have no respect for people like “T” and these gutter preachers. I used to call them street preachers, but gutter sounds more fitting since their words belong in the sewage.
How dare you look upon me as a sinner.

I have been gay my entire life. I remember a crush on the white Power Ranger that I had. I drowned in the ocean once. I saw things and heard even more things. Dieing is what really made me start to believe. And when I was saved by that life guard, I remember how much I loved when I was embraced by his strong arms as he held me tight and protected me until we got to shore. (Looking back on this, I am reminded how much I actually am drawn to life guards. I can tell you about the three that I’ll always remember.) I have been gay my entire life.

People have said it’s a choice. You know, you are right. I totally forgot that I picked my white skin, my pain in the ass hair, and my brown eyes. You know...come to think of it, I did accidentally click the “Gay” button instead of the “Straight” button. Oops, my bad. Maybe I should get a tune up.
I have no respect for these people that say it’s a choice that we act upon. I wonder if they actually watch the news or read a newspaper every now and again? Hate crimes. Murders. Abandonments. Oh yeah, these are just some of the perks of being gay nowadays.
You know, if I actually had the choice to be gay or straight...I would pick straight at first. It would be so much easier that it’s not even funny. Just think about it. I would not feel like an alien around my family. I wouldn’t be an outcast that needs to be changed in my church. I wouldn’t have my parents fearing that I’ll be killed by some homophobic jack ass that crosses my path.
These are just some other benefits that came when I came out. I am pretty much excluded by most of my gay community here and have no gay friends. (You know what though? At least I am real.) I actually got a hate call this year. I have no idea who he was, but he knew me and he really wanted me to know how much he hates me for being gay.
But you know what? I just need to remember that I chose this. It’s my fault that people hate me because I chose to be who I am. (You can’t see it, but I am putting my hands in the “W” sign for “Whatever”.)

I fought with myself for 19 years. I fought all the thoughts and the desires. I would pray asking God for forgiveness for wanting guys. I begged Him to take the thoughts and everything out of me so that I could be “right” and live “right”. I hated myself for 19 years. Moving across the country couldn’t remove the thoughts or the loathing. And finally, it was like I was free again. I realized that God was soothing me and showing me that I am who I am and He will always love me for it. That is when I came out and that is when I became free. God made me as I am and nothing has changed. If you decide to argue this, then you are arguing that God made a mistake. I don’t believe that God makes mistakes.

God loves us eternally, even if you don’t love Him. That means God loves me too, even if you don’t.

When I think of everything, I think of everything that has happened and everything that still has yet to happen. I would hate myself if I forced myself to be straight and chose that life. I know two people that I pretty much have no respect for (right now at least).
One, I started to fall for. I thought he was amazing and was such a great catch...then I got to know him. When I finally asked where he was, he told me that he was going to fool around with guys, but in 10 years end up with a woman. Because of that, I have no desire to even be around him anymore. Enjoy your caged life.
Two, is someone that I thought was a friend. He’s out to half of the world, but not to us. What the fuck? I thought that a friend could tell friends things. Instead I have to find out through others? Believe me...I know your secrets.
These are just two examples of people living lies. In my opinion, the first one is unhealthy and the second is just sad. But I bring these up because (I wanted to just get these words out there, and) I think they are the products of people like “T” and the gutter preachers.

I want to fall in love with a man and give him my heart in exchange for his. I believe that someday this country will either get smart or give in and allow me to get married. And when that happens, I want us to stand together in front of our family, friends, and God and vow our lives to each other in love and holy matrimony. Then, we’d set up house together and eventually have at least one child. We would spend our lives together in love and laughter and supporting each other through the hard times. I even look forward to hearing that we are going to be grandpas. That is my dream.

If you are too closed off to what is the true truth, then leave, you have no place with me. If you are like “T”, then you have no value to me until you see the light and can accept me for who I always was, who I am, and who I will always be.

Until then, I’ll see you in Heaven. You’ll see me. My wings will be beautiful silvers and blues and I’ll be dancing on a star with my husband.

Good bye.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt so alone? Have you ever felt that when you reach out, you are invisible and mute? Then in time, that alone feeling just grows and grows and you just feel pathetic and hopeless?
That is where I am right now.
*Disclaimer~I am a 20 year old, gay male.*
I have my family and my friends and they are always with me and there when I need them, but I feel so hopelessly and pathetically alone.
I think that much of this all has to do with the things I have been seeing and feeling. When ever I walk around campus, I see people walking hand in hand, arm in arm, kissing, and really caring for each other. I have never had that.
All I know is what it is like to be hurt and feel pain from another guy. All I have been made to feel from another guy is that I am only good for a blow job here and a quick fuck here. All the words and poems of love have been bait. As soon as I took that bait, I was poisoned.
It has taken so much emotional and spiritual struggle to finally get back to about 95%.
Now that I am back, I want what I have never had. I want to be loved for me, not for what I can be used for. I want to be able to hold his hand and be caressed. I want to feel that I am special and that I actually matter. I want to sleep with him and actually sleep. I want to feel the thrills and pure excitement of romance.
As much as I want it and as much as I try, I feel that I will never find him and that I will never know what love is. It is like I am an invisible mute. How the hell can I be an invisible mute? I am a fucking theatre person! Big gestures and loud voices is part of my definition. But when I walk in to a room…I might as well not even be there. I do love my friends, but I need to be able to really love someone and be loved in return.
It is almost as if I have this huge sign on my body in big bold flashing lights. It says, “I am looking for a real relationship that will last. I have self respect and want respect”. Because of this sign, it is as if I have no value in society.
I feel like I will never find love because of this: I’d rather have no relationship instead of a bad relationship.
My heart hurts so much right now.
How do I find answers?
How do I look for someone who isn’t someone, but instead, is The One?
How do I get rid of these feelings that are eating me alive?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Succeed to Give Up?–or–Give Up to Succeed?

I am sure that anyone who has read my musings knows that my main focus and desire is love.
I spend my days hoping and dreaming that he will just show up. I spend my nights wondering if he sees the same stars I do.
When I hear a love song, I wish and wish that I was dancing with him. When I watch a romance movie, I wish and wish that I was being held tight by him.
I want the romance. I want the companionship. I want the relationship.
Why is that so hard to find? I can’t be the only guy who wishes and hopes and dreams that I could find love (in my current location). Could it be that I am the only one that says what he wants and means it?
When I talk to my friends, they tell me the same thing over and over. They tell me that the reason I can’t find romance and love is because I am looking for it. They tell me that the second I stop searching, I’ll be found. What? I used to believe that but it is such a farce to believe it. When I stopped looking, I was found alright. I was found by many Mr. Wrongs. When I start to search, it seems to scare off all the wrongs and it seems to be this warning light that I am looking for something real.
I don't know how I could really just give up and stop looking for something that I want more than anything else in this world.
It is so sad to see people today. When I was a closet case, I was like the Apple and every gay guy was my Eve. When I came out and didn’t know what I was looking for and really wasn’t looking, I was so appealing. But nowadays, all has changed. I am like the shark in a tank with guppies.
*I’m not trying to sound conceited or anything, just telling like I see it*
I am checked out, but that’s it. It is like they look at me and then get scared off by confidence or they don’t even attempt to talk to me. When I do talk to them, it is nice. But as soon as they learn that I am looking for something REAL and that I am not looking for sex, my appeal plummets and they loose interest and/or get scared away.
I suppose that I just needed to vent out my frustrations tonight. But it really does get hard when you know that you have so much love in your heart and no one to really give it to.
I feel everyday that he is on the other side of the wall, or the door, or the window, or even right behind me. But when I get to that other side or turn around, there is no one standing there.
If it is only one gift that I have inside, it is my ability to never give up. As long as I have air in my lungs and a beating heart in my chest, I am never going to give up. I know that you are there somewhere…you have to be.

I feel like I fell into the Sky

I feel like such a well organized mess right now. It is strange really.

When I am depressed or feel terrible, life for me seems to be so easy. So simple. Almost as if the more pathetic I feel, the more my life becomes seemingly effortless. The beginning of this year was Hell for me. I was sick all the time, I felt worthless, and I was just this miserable shell going from place to place. But at horrible as I felt, everything went my way. There were no class projects, no homework, no miserable people toward me, and it was like I had it so easy.

But now, I have stepped in to the mirror. I feel great. I have been working out and have kick @$$ legs and have been toning my body. I have loads and loads of energy. I feel like I am a model and the world is my catwalk. And since I feel great, it is like my world is a mess almost. I’m finding out that because I walk with my head held high, people are saying that I think I am the sh*t and that I think I am above everyone else. I have class work like no other and it is all busy work. Most of my teachers are treating me like some ignorant child that needs everything spelt out.

It is so strange. I know that it is not total opposites, it is not Nathan Feels Terrible=World Is Wonderful, and Nathan Feels Wonderful=The World Is Terrible. But since it is all so exaggerated, it feels like that is how it really is.

There are some great things going for me right now though. I got a job and I start training tomorrow. I am so excited because I actually love to work. I have been making some great friends. I have gained so many skills and so much respect from my better teachers.

I don’t know really how else to explain it. I feel like I am older than everyone else when I am acting my own age. I feel like an outcast when I am being myself. I feel like a freak when I live my own life!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sending Out, This Heart of Mine, In Search

I’m taking the advice of, shall we say, my fairy godparents. They have advised me to send out my wish, my true heart’s desire. I will. I will take their advice. I will take their advice and send out my heart and soul’s deepest wish. My deepest desire. I stand here, Asking for What I Want, letting the Universe and other people know what I need.

Snow White wished for the one she loves to find her…Aurora danced with him once upon a dream…Jasmine trusted him…Belle was saved, only to turn around and save him…

Now I wish for the one I love to find me. I have danced with you once upon a dream and I would trust you with my heart. Now come save me…so I can save you in return.

I know there are many things that I want and need right now: to be cast in plays, get good grades, stay healthy, graduate, and so on and so forth…But there is one thing that I want above all else. Something that I feel I need more than oxygen and water.
I want love.
I need love.

Heart don’t fail me now. Courage don’t desert me. Don’t turn back now that we’re here. Somewhere down this road, I know someone’s waiting. Years of dreams just can’t be wrong. Arms will open wide. I’ll be safe and wanted, finally home where I belong.

For years, I wondered and imagined what it would be like. I have imagined what it would be like to have and to hold someone in my arms. I wondered what it would be like to feel his lips caress mine. I imagined what it would be like to just lay next to him and run away in to his eyes. I wondered what it would belike to hear him say those three small words of such great magnitude and power.
I still wonder what all of these are like.

I thought that I had experienced at least one of these. I grew to find I was wrong. It’s funny almost now, to me at least. I think of all the times my heart was in danger and attacked, and I can realize that I never really gave up a part of me. I never lost a piece of me. As much as I was hurt, I was never damaged. It was as if every fiber of my being just knew. There was no way we were meant to be together. I knew that this was not him, somewhere out there is who I am really looking for.

I stand here before you alone, but with so much in my heart.

I long for the day my heart holds you, when you’re fast a sleep. To wake in your arms each morning, beside you, eternally.

Who is it that I want? I want the dream come true. I want the man who will steal my heart, trading mine for his, and keep it in the warmest and safest place. I want the man that will kiss me just because he loves me. I want the man that will take me in his arms because standing next to me is too far away. I want the man that just has to call me so he can hear my voice and tell me he loves me. I want the man that makes me believe in love over and over again each and every day. I want the man that becomes my friend, that becomes my boyfriend, that becomes my lover, that becomes my husband…but all along, he always was and forever will be my true love.

What it is that I want? During the day, I want us to spend time together. I want to walk hand-in-hand. I want us to laugh together and learn together and live together. When he needs strength, I want him to turn to me. When I need strength, I want him to want me to turn to him. I want us to experience the day together. At night, I want to lay out under the stars, just talking about everything and nothing. I want to sleep with him and actually sleep; our legs entwined, our arms embracing each other, and his chest as my pillow…his breaths and heartbeat…my lullabies.

What is it that I need? I need to be trusted. I need to be respected. I need to be desired. I need to be needed. I need to know that I am the only one in his eyes, in his arms, and in his heart. I need my soul mate. I need all these things and more that I promise to give him in return.

Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good.
~ Aaron Davis

I have had so many visions and dreams of this future. Even after all my heartache and pain, I still believe in it. I see it as true as 1 plus 1 equals 2. There is one vision that comes to me stronger than anything and everything.
When I started to just doubt that I would ever find him, I “blacked out” almost. I saw my vision fade away and in its place, a new vision formed. I was standing in this beautiful kitchen. Then I see this boy and he walks up to me holding this paper.
Little Boy: “Look what I drew in class.”
Me: "Wow, this is beautiful. Who are they?"
Little Boy (as he points to the figures): "It's you, me, and Daddy."
Then just like that, my vision faded away and back to the current time.
It was all so real that I almost broke down crying my eyes out cause of pure happiness. I still believe that is a vision of the future for us. No matter what time or how long it takes, I still believe with my entire heart that I have son somewhere in this cosmic waiting room, just waiting for us.

I am a Christian, Gay male. Both of those titles are two huge parts of my life. I must admit, I do believe that God made us and Jesus saved us and everything that Christianity stands for…but I don’t believe that we are sinners. I don’t believe that we should sit there and listen to someone interpret the Bible. I drowned once and saw things. I have experienced so many things. In all of these experiences, I grew so much stronger in my faith. I used to say that it didn’t care if he was Christian or not, just as long as he believed in something. Now, I want him to be Christian also. I’m not a preacher nor do I preach, but it is something that is very important to me. But yet, this is just hard to explain…I don’t want to be Christian and drag down someone who isn’t, and I don’t want to be dragged down by someone who isn’t Christian.

I know I don’t have all the answers and I don’t expect for him to be able to just show up and have all of the answers. I want us to find each other. I want us to learn the answers together. I know that I am ready.

As much as I fear taking that leap again, I want nothing more than to open my eyes and jump into his arms.

So this is love: tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, in a whole new world, I danced with you once upon a dream, and away to your castle we’ll go as we share true love’s kiss.

My beating heart knows you have the key. Once you unlock it, the endless supply of all my love with in is yours and yours alone. Till that fateful day, I will keep it stored safe and sound.

I love you.

And as these words are sent out into the world and the universe, a series of events has been started. The seed is planted.
With my heart as the power source and the universe as the planter, the events have started taking motion. The seed is growing to a sprout.
Like all good things, this takes time. But because of the purity and strength of my wish and desire, the time needed goes by like a flash of light. The seed that has sprouted blooms. The bloom becomes a rose that stands out above all the rest and never wilts.

And the fairytale becomes the reality,
And they live Happily Ever After.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

So, I am a Gay Actor…What do I do?

I am a theatre major. I love to act and I love to be on stage. I am really excited because I am taking a class with a teacher that will actually make me stop “acting” and start “becoming”. You have no idea how thrilled I am.
He’s even been just name dropping all the big stars and casting directors and movie directors he’s worked with. Basically he thinks he’s the sh*t and actually…he kinda is. (as much as that actually pains me to admit about him…)
This is where things start to get to my point. My department held auditions and call backs last week. I auditioned and felt so strong and like I really did well. I was not called back. I was hurt and felt like total shi*t, but then the next day I was like, “Eh, F*ck it. I don’t really give a damn anymore.”
But, I decided to make this a learning opportunity. I emailed the director with the questions of, “What did I do well?” “What did I not do well?” “What should I do to actually be called back?”. I figured that I have huge respect for her, I think she respects me very much, and she actually knows me as a person and actor-I will get a truly honest, thought out, and respectful answer.
I gave her the 3 day weekend to think it all over and then I talked to her today. We had a nice and somewhat long conversation, but I will short hand it. Basically, I am a great gay guy, but I have trouble separating “Gay-Nathan” from “Character”. Other than that, it was basically a good audition, but if I want to do movement-intensive characters…I need some movement classes.
I swear, I feared going and talking to her. But she was still amazing about everything and she gave me some great advice. She is one of my favorite teachers of all time.
Now back to the first teacher I talked about. I am going to take him aside one day, very soon and say, “Look, as long as everything you say is 100% constructive, you have free rein, you can be as blunt or tactful as you deem necessary, and you have free range when it comes to my critiques…as long as it is going to help make me better.” I also will say something along the lines of, “And when I am on stage acting, shoot down any unnecessary gay that comes through in the character.”
I have my challenge for this year and my future as an actor. Basically, I can take on any role and kick @$$, but I make it a gay character. Now it is time to become the character and leave myself behind when I step on to the stage. Oh dear. ;)
You know what though? I will rock this class and I will own the next auditions. I will be cast. And you know what is actually kind of funny? One of the plays next semester is actually a cast of 4 (2 males and 2 females). Both the males are actually gay characters. (!!!YES!!!I AM PERFECT!!!)

Now…what can any of you think of to make me go from (what I thought was a semi-straight acting) gay man to a believable straighie?
Eew…so now I have to put my body back in the closet…

Thanks for reading my venting and my goal and my question.