Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Am I Being Too Unreasonable?
Hi, I am Nathan. I’m a Pisces, 21, such a mixture of races, love Reese’s but can only spell them because there is a bag of them on my desk, can play a song I love all day...week and still not get tired of it, love to take pictures but often forget my camera, I actually named my camera too, can pole dance your socks off, silent when I want to be, loud almost all the rest of the time, am so unhealthily afraid of needles but secretly loved getting my first tattoo, could watch Disney movies until the electricity ran out, love to just walk around with no destination in mind, sit in the rain and love every second of it, stand in the snow and count the snowflakes, doodle this and that all over my class notes, have never been asked a question I didn’t feel comfortable answering, and the list goes on endlessly. Ultimately, you will never meet me in anyone else. I’ve never met anyone like me and am pretty sure that neither will you.
Here’s my dilemma, my “problem” if you will:
I hate that I am single and my strongest wish above all else is to be in love and be loved in return...but...I won’t return love shown to me with love, but instead something else, and have no desire to be anything other than single.
(I should have also said I like to be cryptic...hehe)
Basically, I want so much to be in love. Have you heard the song “Untouched” by The Veronica’s? I want to feel that way about a guy. Whenever I am out and about and the song comes on, I day dream that my guy will just walk up and kiss me like it is the last thing we will ever do on this earth. I would kill for romance! I live for the little things in life so much so that I would even melt over something so simple as him sneaking up and holding my hand as we walk together. I could go for hours just describing my ideal love and all the details about it...
But I have found myself closing off to it. I find it being easier and easier to just avoid and deny it...to live without it and ensure that I do. I’m teased as being the male Aphrodite and being all about love and romance, but closing off that part of me and freeze drying my heart is what I find myself doing lately.
I know this sounds crazy and all, but I do actually have a lot of reasoning behind it. I can’t really stand almost all of the gays in my little college town. The only ones that I can honestly tell are gay are the total stereotypes. If it’s not the appearance, it’s the mannerisms. If it’s not the mannerisms, it’s the voice. If it’s not the voice, they’ve (lets say) starved themselves so much to fit in to their pretty little drag dresses. Then, of course, there are the combinations. I’m gay cause I like men...these are not men.
I’ve learned so much about the gays in my little town. Apparently, you are only as popular as how much you can be used for. I can’t be used, therefore I am not desired. I’m not going to buy all the booze, I’m not going to jump into bed on the first date (and most likely not even the first year), I would really like to be friends first, I actually cannot smoke and cannot be around smokers, and I will not do drugs. (I was pissed to find out that’s the reason so many of them are so skinny!) It’s kind of a cool feeling though because I think that they are really starting to desire me and all they receive is one denial after another. There’s power in being the one no one can have. ;)
I would be exaggerating if I said that all the gays here are like that. There are others. Some of them are great guys, they really are. But I know none of them are for me. I can pretty much place my finger exactly on the spot where it says we are only meant to be friends. There’s nothing wrong with them, they just are not for me. You know?
Then of course there are the ones that I have no idea at all that they are gay. It’s always so nice to find them...but so sad cause they are taken by either a great guy or being suffocated by the first group I mentioned.
Even with all this, there’s one reason that makes me really not care at all about looking for a guy. I have only one year left here. After my senior year and my graduation, I am out of here. After doing the Disney internship, I know my life is at Disney. I have a contact that told me whenever I call him, I have a job. Knowing this, I don’t really want a relationship right now. I can’t be the guy who says, “I love you and you love me. But if you want me, you have to follow me and move your life to stay in mine.” That’s beyond unfair in my eyes and I couldn’t bring myself to do that to anyone. If it’s not going to last, then I don’t want to even start it. I don’t want a fling, I want the real thing.
This is me though and no “rules” or “regulations” will keep me from love. If a guy were to fall from the sky and in to my life I would welcome him in. If later I found out he’s from California or wants to move there after college (close to Disney), then there’s no way I could fight a real relationship from forming.
Does this make me unreasonable? I just feel like I am being too picky or demanding.
No matter what, my heart will never stop reaching out and calling to its other half. I am just trying to keep it blinded and deafened from the world until I am settled back in to it.