Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt so alone? Have you ever felt that when you reach out, you are invisible and mute? Then in time, that alone feeling just grows and grows and you just feel pathetic and hopeless?
That is where I am right now.
*Disclaimer~I am a 20 year old, gay male.*
I have my family and my friends and they are always with me and there when I need them, but I feel so hopelessly and pathetically alone.
I think that much of this all has to do with the things I have been seeing and feeling. When ever I walk around campus, I see people walking hand in hand, arm in arm, kissing, and really caring for each other. I have never had that.
All I know is what it is like to be hurt and feel pain from another guy. All I have been made to feel from another guy is that I am only good for a blow job here and a quick fuck here. All the words and poems of love have been bait. As soon as I took that bait, I was poisoned.
It has taken so much emotional and spiritual struggle to finally get back to about 95%.
Now that I am back, I want what I have never had. I want to be loved for me, not for what I can be used for. I want to be able to hold his hand and be caressed. I want to feel that I am special and that I actually matter. I want to sleep with him and actually sleep. I want to feel the thrills and pure excitement of romance.
As much as I want it and as much as I try, I feel that I will never find him and that I will never know what love is. It is like I am an invisible mute. How the hell can I be an invisible mute? I am a fucking theatre person! Big gestures and loud voices is part of my definition. But when I walk in to a room…I might as well not even be there. I do love my friends, but I need to be able to really love someone and be loved in return.
It is almost as if I have this huge sign on my body in big bold flashing lights. It says, “I am looking for a real relationship that will last. I have self respect and want respect”. Because of this sign, it is as if I have no value in society.
I feel like I will never find love because of this: I’d rather have no relationship instead of a bad relationship.
My heart hurts so much right now.
How do I find answers?
How do I look for someone who isn’t someone, but instead, is The One?
How do I get rid of these feelings that are eating me alive?