I told off a pastor the other day...

This starts with what happened, then “rambles” a bit as I stand on my soap box.

For the longest time, I wanted to find a church that I could belong to. I found that church last year. It is a Christian youth ministry and it meets on my college campus. I fell in love on the first day that I went there. I was welcomed and embraced with open arms and warm greetings. I had found a church family.
There was one thing that scared me though...I’m gay. I slowly started to come out to them and each time I did, it was no big deal and they all loved me the same as they did before they knew. That became even more amazing for me.
Last year was the good year...
This year, so much has changed. The people are all the same, the group is all the same, the location is different, the pastor is the same, and the pastor is different.
We’ll call the pastor “T” cause it’s his initial and I wouldn’t want people to see him for who he is all too soon if they met him.
But this year is different. Last year he preached how God loves us and wants us to live for Him and to live by His example. He showed God as who He really is, the loving Father that will always be there for us and with us. This year, he is portraying God as some angry ruler that is furious at us for how we are. It is almost as if he’s saying that God will forever hate us unless we make Jesus love us and we all become perfect people...even though we are never near perfect.
Tons of new people have come...and never returned this year. I talk every now and again with people that came every day last year and they have all said things about “T”. The only one I had seen was that he was getting darker in his sermons. The other things they said they saw in him, I discovered later.
He did a night devoted to showing compassion to people. He said how the people that need compassion were the sick or the lost. And because of their need for compassion, they were blocking out God. Then he did what was needed to push me away. He listed off all the groups of people that he deemed needed compassion and that we should go out and minister to. This list was about 5 minutes long and full of all his “compassionless” people. He listed off the orphans and the widows, the diseased and the mentally ill, and then he mentioned the homosexual community. He put the stake through my heart when he said that. For the rest of the night, he never even looked in my direction.
I needed to know. I needed to know if he really saw me as someone who was sick or lost and in need of healing or guidance.
I knew that if I were to talk to him first, it would all be nothing more than “F*ck you “T”. You know nothing” and then I would storm out angry. So I talked to the youth minister under him. We had a nice little conversation and I still love her. She talked and the main point of hers was that we need to listen to God and try to do His will. Then she asked if I wanted to know what she thought. She said that the bible says it’s a sin, but she has so many gay friends that have all said they have always been gay. So, she doesn’t see how they could be made this way and then told they were wrong for it.
It hurt to hear that she honestly sees it as a sin, but it was refreshing to know she is questioning it.
My time to talk to “T” was the following day. I went to class, couldn’t stop fearing what he would say. I went to work, couldn’t stop worrying that I’d lose all respect for him. I even watched Project Runway and couldn’t stop tensing up at the thoughts of what he might say. So finally, I texted him and said I was ok. I told him that I didn’t need to see him and good bye. He said ok and that he was still free if I needed to talk to him.
What I didn’t tell him was that I was never going to come to *his* church again.
But he didn’t get that message.
He texted me at least once every day and reminded me about some event and offering a ride if I needed one. I didn’t respond. Then there was a text the Monday after I didn’t come to church.
“We missed u on Sunday. Please dont make the decision not to come back, based on assumptions. We love u.”
That one got to me and stuck in the bone. I would write the entire conversation, but all his texts revolve around following God’s word.
My response was along the lines of, “But that’s just it. I am not assuming. I can’t go to a place where I am loved and not accepted.”
Then it just continued on and on. He was the pastor. I was the challenge. I told him how I have always been gay. I told him how I begged and prayed for God to fix me and heal me. I told him how I died and was talked to by God and told that I would be ok. And then I told him how I have been persecuted for living and loving the truth.
Nothing.
He responded with the same stuff and said that God can speak to us, but He never goes against His word.
I had had enough. I won the fight. I told him that I am who I am. It’s me and always will be. I told him how it is true what others have said, that to disagree with him is to be wrong. And then I told him the next time we meet, it will be in Heaven. I will look upon him and only reply with an “I told you so.”

This all happened about a week and a half ago.

I have not been to church now and I really hate it. I loved going to church. Singing worship. Meeting new people. Hanging out with friends. Learning the gospel. Now that I am not going, I feel like I am missing a day and something that I am supposed to do. There are a few other churches on campus, but none of the days really fit around my classes and such.

I saw “T” today. I was already on the war path rampage so that I could yell at my manager. (I was hired specifically for the hours I could work. We get a new manager and I am not even on the schedule anymore. He says he’ll make me an on call Starbucks Barista. WTF!?!? I honestly want to get him fired. But anyway...) He was walking out of the Starbucks, turns, and sees me. Then he leans on this pillar and looks at me and smiles as if nothing is wrong. I am so happy that I had sunglasses on cause my eyes could have turned him to stone I was so furious. But I just walked right past him and didn’t even acknowledge that he was there.
Should I do anything? I already know he is a lost cause. He went to private Christian boarding schools and missionaries all his life. There is only one side to his mind and his beliefs. Is there any point in trying to teach him the real truth about us? He sees himself as a friend of mine, but a real friend encourages who we are, not try to change them entirely.

You know, as much as I love God and His Son, I really am half and half with His followers.

I am a Gay Christian male and I am a Christian Gay male. That is who I am. Plain and simple. If you ever need to describe me to anyone, that is the best way. (You might need to add theatre in there...but) I am Christian because I follow God and love people. I plan on getting married and loving one person for the rest of my life. I am Gay because I am attracted to men emotionally and physically. I want a husband and not a wife. Therefore, I am a Christian Gay Male.

Who are you to decide that I am living sins by being gay when you yourself have no idea what it is like? How can you look upon me and my people as corrupt when you never take the time to understand us?
I have no respect for people like “T” and these gutter preachers. I used to call them street preachers, but gutter sounds more fitting since their words belong in the sewage.
How dare you look upon me as a sinner.

I have been gay my entire life. I remember a crush on the white Power Ranger that I had. I drowned in the ocean once. I saw things and heard even more things. Dieing is what really made me start to believe. And when I was saved by that life guard, I remember how much I loved when I was embraced by his strong arms as he held me tight and protected me until we got to shore. (Looking back on this, I am reminded how much I actually am drawn to life guards. I can tell you about the three that I’ll always remember.) I have been gay my entire life.

People have said it’s a choice. You know, you are right. I totally forgot that I picked my white skin, my pain in the ass hair, and my brown eyes. You know...come to think of it, I did accidentally click the “Gay” button instead of the “Straight” button. Oops, my bad. Maybe I should get a tune up.
I have no respect for these people that say it’s a choice that we act upon. I wonder if they actually watch the news or read a newspaper every now and again? Hate crimes. Murders. Abandonments. Oh yeah, these are just some of the perks of being gay nowadays.
You know, if I actually had the choice to be gay or straight...I would pick straight at first. It would be so much easier that it’s not even funny. Just think about it. I would not feel like an alien around my family. I wouldn’t be an outcast that needs to be changed in my church. I wouldn’t have my parents fearing that I’ll be killed by some homophobic jack ass that crosses my path.
These are just some other benefits that came when I came out. I am pretty much excluded by most of my gay community here and have no gay friends. (You know what though? At least I am real.) I actually got a hate call this year. I have no idea who he was, but he knew me and he really wanted me to know how much he hates me for being gay.
But you know what? I just need to remember that I chose this. It’s my fault that people hate me because I chose to be who I am. (You can’t see it, but I am putting my hands in the “W” sign for “Whatever”.)

I fought with myself for 19 years. I fought all the thoughts and the desires. I would pray asking God for forgiveness for wanting guys. I begged Him to take the thoughts and everything out of me so that I could be “right” and live “right”. I hated myself for 19 years. Moving across the country couldn’t remove the thoughts or the loathing. And finally, it was like I was free again. I realized that God was soothing me and showing me that I am who I am and He will always love me for it. That is when I came out and that is when I became free. God made me as I am and nothing has changed. If you decide to argue this, then you are arguing that God made a mistake. I don’t believe that God makes mistakes.

God loves us eternally, even if you don’t love Him. That means God loves me too, even if you don’t.

When I think of everything, I think of everything that has happened and everything that still has yet to happen. I would hate myself if I forced myself to be straight and chose that life. I know two people that I pretty much have no respect for (right now at least).
One, I started to fall for. I thought he was amazing and was such a great catch...then I got to know him. When I finally asked where he was, he told me that he was going to fool around with guys, but in 10 years end up with a woman. Because of that, I have no desire to even be around him anymore. Enjoy your caged life.
Two, is someone that I thought was a friend. He’s out to half of the world, but not to us. What the fuck? I thought that a friend could tell friends things. Instead I have to find out through others? Believe me...I know your secrets.
These are just two examples of people living lies. In my opinion, the first one is unhealthy and the second is just sad. But I bring these up because (I wanted to just get these words out there, and) I think they are the products of people like “T” and the gutter preachers.

I want to fall in love with a man and give him my heart in exchange for his. I believe that someday this country will either get smart or give in and allow me to get married. And when that happens, I want us to stand together in front of our family, friends, and God and vow our lives to each other in love and holy matrimony. Then, we’d set up house together and eventually have at least one child. We would spend our lives together in love and laughter and supporting each other through the hard times. I even look forward to hearing that we are going to be grandpas. That is my dream.

If you are too closed off to what is the true truth, then leave, you have no place with me. If you are like “T”, then you have no value to me until you see the light and can accept me for who I always was, who I am, and who I will always be.

Until then, I’ll see you in Heaven. You’ll see me. My wings will be beautiful silvers and blues and I’ll be dancing on a star with my husband.

Good bye.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt so alone? Have you ever felt that when you reach out, you are invisible and mute? Then in time, that alone feeling just grows and grows and you just feel pathetic and hopeless?
That is where I am right now.
*Disclaimer~I am a 20 year old, gay male.*
I have my family and my friends and they are always with me and there when I need them, but I feel so hopelessly and pathetically alone.
I think that much of this all has to do with the things I have been seeing and feeling. When ever I walk around campus, I see people walking hand in hand, arm in arm, kissing, and really caring for each other. I have never had that.
All I know is what it is like to be hurt and feel pain from another guy. All I have been made to feel from another guy is that I am only good for a blow job here and a quick fuck here. All the words and poems of love have been bait. As soon as I took that bait, I was poisoned.
It has taken so much emotional and spiritual struggle to finally get back to about 95%.
Now that I am back, I want what I have never had. I want to be loved for me, not for what I can be used for. I want to be able to hold his hand and be caressed. I want to feel that I am special and that I actually matter. I want to sleep with him and actually sleep. I want to feel the thrills and pure excitement of romance.
As much as I want it and as much as I try, I feel that I will never find him and that I will never know what love is. It is like I am an invisible mute. How the hell can I be an invisible mute? I am a fucking theatre person! Big gestures and loud voices is part of my definition. But when I walk in to a room…I might as well not even be there. I do love my friends, but I need to be able to really love someone and be loved in return.
It is almost as if I have this huge sign on my body in big bold flashing lights. It says, “I am looking for a real relationship that will last. I have self respect and want respect”. Because of this sign, it is as if I have no value in society.
I feel like I will never find love because of this: I’d rather have no relationship instead of a bad relationship.
My heart hurts so much right now.
How do I find answers?
How do I look for someone who isn’t someone, but instead, is The One?
How do I get rid of these feelings that are eating me alive?

Succeed to Give Up?–or–Give Up to Succeed?

I am sure that anyone who has read my musings knows that my main focus and desire is love.
I spend my days hoping and dreaming that he will just show up. I spend my nights wondering if he sees the same stars I do.
When I hear a love song, I wish and wish that I was dancing with him. When I watch a romance movie, I wish and wish that I was being held tight by him.
I want the romance. I want the companionship. I want the relationship.
Why is that so hard to find? I can’t be the only guy who wishes and hopes and dreams that I could find love (in my current location). Could it be that I am the only one that says what he wants and means it?
When I talk to my friends, they tell me the same thing over and over. They tell me that the reason I can’t find romance and love is because I am looking for it. They tell me that the second I stop searching, I’ll be found. What? I used to believe that but it is such a farce to believe it. When I stopped looking, I was found alright. I was found by many Mr. Wrongs. When I start to search, it seems to scare off all the wrongs and it seems to be this warning light that I am looking for something real.
I don't know how I could really just give up and stop looking for something that I want more than anything else in this world.
It is so sad to see people today. When I was a closet case, I was like the Apple and every gay guy was my Eve. When I came out and didn’t know what I was looking for and really wasn’t looking, I was so appealing. But nowadays, all has changed. I am like the shark in a tank with guppies.
*I’m not trying to sound conceited or anything, just telling like I see it*
I am checked out, but that’s it. It is like they look at me and then get scared off by confidence or they don’t even attempt to talk to me. When I do talk to them, it is nice. But as soon as they learn that I am looking for something REAL and that I am not looking for sex, my appeal plummets and they loose interest and/or get scared away.
I suppose that I just needed to vent out my frustrations tonight. But it really does get hard when you know that you have so much love in your heart and no one to really give it to.
I feel everyday that he is on the other side of the wall, or the door, or the window, or even right behind me. But when I get to that other side or turn around, there is no one standing there.
If it is only one gift that I have inside, it is my ability to never give up. As long as I have air in my lungs and a beating heart in my chest, I am never going to give up. I know that you are there somewhere…you have to be.

I feel like I fell into the Sky

I feel like such a well organized mess right now. It is strange really.

When I am depressed or feel terrible, life for me seems to be so easy. So simple. Almost as if the more pathetic I feel, the more my life becomes seemingly effortless. The beginning of this year was Hell for me. I was sick all the time, I felt worthless, and I was just this miserable shell going from place to place. But at horrible as I felt, everything went my way. There were no class projects, no homework, no miserable people toward me, and it was like I had it so easy.

But now, I have stepped in to the mirror. I feel great. I have been working out and have kick @$$ legs and have been toning my body. I have loads and loads of energy. I feel like I am a model and the world is my catwalk. And since I feel great, it is like my world is a mess almost. I’m finding out that because I walk with my head held high, people are saying that I think I am the sh*t and that I think I am above everyone else. I have class work like no other and it is all busy work. Most of my teachers are treating me like some ignorant child that needs everything spelt out.

It is so strange. I know that it is not total opposites, it is not Nathan Feels Terrible=World Is Wonderful, and Nathan Feels Wonderful=The World Is Terrible. But since it is all so exaggerated, it feels like that is how it really is.

There are some great things going for me right now though. I got a job and I start training tomorrow. I am so excited because I actually love to work. I have been making some great friends. I have gained so many skills and so much respect from my better teachers.

I don’t know really how else to explain it. I feel like I am older than everyone else when I am acting my own age. I feel like an outcast when I am being myself. I feel like a freak when I live my own life!!

Sending Out, This Heart of Mine, In Search

I’m taking the advice of, shall we say, my fairy godparents. They have advised me to send out my wish, my true heart’s desire. I will. I will take their advice. I will take their advice and send out my heart and soul’s deepest wish. My deepest desire. I stand here, Asking for What I Want, letting the Universe and other people know what I need.

Snow White wished for the one she loves to find her…Aurora danced with him once upon a dream…Jasmine trusted him…Belle was saved, only to turn around and save him…

Now I wish for the one I love to find me. I have danced with you once upon a dream and I would trust you with my heart. Now come save me…so I can save you in return.

I know there are many things that I want and need right now: to be cast in plays, get good grades, stay healthy, graduate, and so on and so forth…But there is one thing that I want above all else. Something that I feel I need more than oxygen and water.
I want love.
I need love.

Heart don’t fail me now. Courage don’t desert me. Don’t turn back now that we’re here. Somewhere down this road, I know someone’s waiting. Years of dreams just can’t be wrong. Arms will open wide. I’ll be safe and wanted, finally home where I belong.
~Anastasia

For years, I wondered and imagined what it would be like. I have imagined what it would be like to have and to hold someone in my arms. I wondered what it would be like to feel his lips caress mine. I imagined what it would be like to just lay next to him and run away in to his eyes. I wondered what it would belike to hear him say those three small words of such great magnitude and power.
I still wonder what all of these are like.

I thought that I had experienced at least one of these. I grew to find I was wrong. It’s funny almost now, to me at least. I think of all the times my heart was in danger and attacked, and I can realize that I never really gave up a part of me. I never lost a piece of me. As much as I was hurt, I was never damaged. It was as if every fiber of my being just knew. There was no way we were meant to be together. I knew that this was not him, somewhere out there is who I am really looking for.

I stand here before you alone, but with so much in my heart.

I long for the day my heart holds you, when you’re fast a sleep. To wake in your arms each morning, beside you, eternally.

Who is it that I want? I want the dream come true. I want the man who will steal my heart, trading mine for his, and keep it in the warmest and safest place. I want the man that will kiss me just because he loves me. I want the man that will take me in his arms because standing next to me is too far away. I want the man that just has to call me so he can hear my voice and tell me he loves me. I want the man that makes me believe in love over and over again each and every day. I want the man that becomes my friend, that becomes my boyfriend, that becomes my lover, that becomes my husband…but all along, he always was and forever will be my true love.

What it is that I want? During the day, I want us to spend time together. I want to walk hand-in-hand. I want us to laugh together and learn together and live together. When he needs strength, I want him to turn to me. When I need strength, I want him to want me to turn to him. I want us to experience the day together. At night, I want to lay out under the stars, just talking about everything and nothing. I want to sleep with him and actually sleep; our legs entwined, our arms embracing each other, and his chest as my pillow…his breaths and heartbeat…my lullabies.

What is it that I need? I need to be trusted. I need to be respected. I need to be desired. I need to be needed. I need to know that I am the only one in his eyes, in his arms, and in his heart. I need my soul mate. I need all these things and more that I promise to give him in return.

Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good.
~ Aaron Davis

I have had so many visions and dreams of this future. Even after all my heartache and pain, I still believe in it. I see it as true as 1 plus 1 equals 2. There is one vision that comes to me stronger than anything and everything.
When I started to just doubt that I would ever find him, I “blacked out” almost. I saw my vision fade away and in its place, a new vision formed. I was standing in this beautiful kitchen. Then I see this boy and he walks up to me holding this paper.
Little Boy: “Look what I drew in class.”
Me: "Wow, this is beautiful. Who are they?"
Little Boy (as he points to the figures): "It's you, me, and Daddy."
Then just like that, my vision faded away and back to the current time.
It was all so real that I almost broke down crying my eyes out cause of pure happiness. I still believe that is a vision of the future for us. No matter what time or how long it takes, I still believe with my entire heart that I have son somewhere in this cosmic waiting room, just waiting for us.

I am a Christian, Gay male. Both of those titles are two huge parts of my life. I must admit, I do believe that God made us and Jesus saved us and everything that Christianity stands for…but I don’t believe that we are sinners. I don’t believe that we should sit there and listen to someone interpret the Bible. I drowned once and saw things. I have experienced so many things. In all of these experiences, I grew so much stronger in my faith. I used to say that it didn’t care if he was Christian or not, just as long as he believed in something. Now, I want him to be Christian also. I’m not a preacher nor do I preach, but it is something that is very important to me. But yet, this is just hard to explain…I don’t want to be Christian and drag down someone who isn’t, and I don’t want to be dragged down by someone who isn’t Christian.

I know I don’t have all the answers and I don’t expect for him to be able to just show up and have all of the answers. I want us to find each other. I want us to learn the answers together. I know that I am ready.

As much as I fear taking that leap again, I want nothing more than to open my eyes and jump into his arms.

So this is love: tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, in a whole new world, I danced with you once upon a dream, and away to your castle we’ll go as we share true love’s kiss.

My beating heart knows you have the key. Once you unlock it, the endless supply of all my love with in is yours and yours alone. Till that fateful day, I will keep it stored safe and sound.

I love you.

o
And as these words are sent out into the world and the universe, a series of events has been started. The seed is planted.
~O
With my heart as the power source and the universe as the planter, the events have started taking motion. The seed is growing to a sprout.
~@
Like all good things, this takes time. But because of the purity and strength of my wish and desire, the time needed goes by like a flash of light. The seed that has sprouted blooms. The bloom becomes a rose that stands out above all the rest and never wilts.

And the fairytale becomes the reality,
And they live Happily Ever After.

So, I am a Gay Actor…What do I do?

I am a theatre major. I love to act and I love to be on stage. I am really excited because I am taking a class with a teacher that will actually make me stop “acting” and start “becoming”. You have no idea how thrilled I am.
He’s even been just name dropping all the big stars and casting directors and movie directors he’s worked with. Basically he thinks he’s the sh*t and actually…he kinda is. (as much as that actually pains me to admit about him…)
This is where things start to get to my point. My department held auditions and call backs last week. I auditioned and felt so strong and like I really did well. I was not called back. I was hurt and felt like total shi*t, but then the next day I was like, “Eh, F*ck it. I don’t really give a damn anymore.”
But, I decided to make this a learning opportunity. I emailed the director with the questions of, “What did I do well?” “What did I not do well?” “What should I do to actually be called back?”. I figured that I have huge respect for her, I think she respects me very much, and she actually knows me as a person and actor-I will get a truly honest, thought out, and respectful answer.
I gave her the 3 day weekend to think it all over and then I talked to her today. We had a nice and somewhat long conversation, but I will short hand it. Basically, I am a great gay guy, but I have trouble separating “Gay-Nathan” from “Character”. Other than that, it was basically a good audition, but if I want to do movement-intensive characters…I need some movement classes.
I swear, I feared going and talking to her. But she was still amazing about everything and she gave me some great advice. She is one of my favorite teachers of all time.
Now back to the first teacher I talked about. I am going to take him aside one day, very soon and say, “Look, as long as everything you say is 100% constructive, you have free rein, you can be as blunt or tactful as you deem necessary, and you have free range when it comes to my critiques…as long as it is going to help make me better.” I also will say something along the lines of, “And when I am on stage acting, shoot down any unnecessary gay that comes through in the character.”
I have my challenge for this year and my future as an actor. Basically, I can take on any role and kick @$$, but I make it a gay character. Now it is time to become the character and leave myself behind when I step on to the stage. Oh dear. ;)
You know what though? I will rock this class and I will own the next auditions. I will be cast. And you know what is actually kind of funny? One of the plays next semester is actually a cast of 4 (2 males and 2 females). Both the males are actually gay characters. (!!!YES!!!I AM PERFECT!!!)
Haha.

Now…what can any of you think of to make me go from (what I thought was a semi-straight acting) gay man to a believable straighie?
Eew…so now I have to put my body back in the closet…

Thanks for reading my venting and my goal and my question.

The Fallen One’s Flight

“Child of the day, why are you here? You young dancer of the night, you should not stray too close to the edge. Gift, why do you wander so? Silly little one, you might fall.”

~ . . . What?~
Nathaniel awoke in his bed, feeling both cold and warm. Feeling somewhat out of breath, he turned and looked at the clock.
7:30am.
~Was that a dream? I can’t . . . I can’t tell if th- I need to get ready.~

Before he began to think for himself, he was happy. It was as if he could live every day and not worry about anything. He knew who he was. But so much has been changing. His friends were changing. His world’s been changing. His family members are changing. He . . . he is changing most of all. All that he knew was becoming something so strange and foreign.

~ I once knew who I was. It was as if I could write out every detail, every tiny little thing that was me, I could tell you. But now . . . I can’t even tell myself who I am.~

Thoughts that once befriended him now victimized him. His thoughts became the day’s chains, trials, and tribulations.

For years, Nathaniel had gone through the same routine. Day in, day out, the same thing. Being a senior in high school hadn’t given him any change or refuge. Even in a crowded room, he was alone. Among friends, he had none to turn to for some sort of answers to this disintegration. His family would have no answers for him, good or bad. He was alone.

~God, where are you? I need you more than I ever have. God I am lost. Please come to me and tell me. Answer me. . . . Answer me. . . . Answer me?
I am . . . alone.~

The college years gave no change. Everything was still the same.

~God, just please. A sign is all I need. Please!~

A warm wind caressed his face. He carried on.

~What are these strange feelings? Are they memories of some sort? I don’t understand them.~

Images crossed his mind. Some of the images were almost as if he was remembering a long forgotten past. He saw strange figures walk before him and orbs floating around him. From time to time, he could feel this strange energy flowing between his fingers. It was as if warm satin was weaved between his fingers.

~Could the images be true? Could that really be me? Am I a . . . Am I an . . .~

He never knew how much he really knew. Had he finished one of these sentences of thought, he would have answered his question. But not just yet. It wasn’t time.

Nathaniel came across an opportunity. He saw a chance to get away and to leave all this behind. He wanted to just escape. He took it and left. Nothing was going to hold him back.
It was an adventure. He was able to live. For the first time in a very long time, he felt so alive. But what he got, was the chance to think.
In this far away land, he found a family. They nurtured him and helped him in ways he could never thank them enough for.

On one of the most beautiful days. Something changed. Something clicked. He never knew what it was, but he knew it. He got his answer.
In that moment, such love and joy and freedom entered him. It was divine. As the tears filled his eyes and washed his face, he knew. All those years that he lost himself just came rushing back.

~Thank you God. I know who I am now. I . . . I can fly again.~

He laughed at this idea because for some strange reason, he felt as if he had before. He felt some strange memory like thought where he was flying.

~Wouldn’t that be nice? To fly again. Again? What am I thinking? I have never flown. Have I?~

With the revelations, his entire world changed. He got a taste of something he’d never experienced before. Love. It was something that he never knew how much his body longed for it. He never knew how much he needed it.
That first kiss. His heart soared, his pulse raced. It was as if he was flying again.
Though it was short lived, he learned that it was a tarnished and gilded image of love. But he knew he needed it. True Love. That taste gave him a craving. It was as if his purpose had finally been revealed to him.

In time, his adventure ended. He returned to his home and was ready to share all he had learned with his world.
Nothing had changed. Where he had changed so completely, everything had stayed so completely the same.

~ How is this possible? Am I to be trapped in this world again? Am I going to drown again?~

The return to college was warm and embracing. As soon as he returned, he sank right back in.

~I am drowning again. I can’t do this.~

Crowds again with no company. It was as if all of who he was became transparent. Those he knew once, now looked at him as if he was a stranger. To the rest of the world, it was as if he was not to be acknowledged. It would have been as if he would never be noticed.

~Please just look at me. Know that I am here! Hello! . . . Hello . . . Hello? Somebody . . . please.~

In all his searching, he only found variations on new aged tortures. With his first he was used and disposed. With his second he was not important enough. With the third he was just another to be added to the collection. It was as if he was nothing more than theirs to toss around.
No matter how many invisible wounds he had to heal, it was as if there was something more. It was almost as if something with in him was keeping him alive. It kept him alive just enough to continue a search.

~If this is all my searching leads me too, just one pain after another, then why? Why do I still want to keep searching? This is only killing me.~

Another warm breeze caressed his face and it was as if all the troubles were gone again. For a small time at least.

~Am I here? I can feel this thing in my chest. With each passing day, I can feel it getting heavier and heavier.~

When Nathaniel was able to get past an episode of insomnia, he would fall in to such deep sleeps. He would become un-wakeable and un-moveable. It didn’t seem to matter if he would dream or not, he would always awaken to the same exact thing. He would awaken to find himself reaching out for someone that was never there.

Wandering. Nathaniel felt as if all he ever did was wonder. He felt he would wander from destination to destination, class to class, room to room. He was just there. Wandering the Earth. Alone.

With each day, he could feel the weight in his chest getting heavier and heavier. Something else was changing within him.

~Please, look at me. Someone! Anyone. Just notice that I am here! I am here. . . . I am here?
I’m drowning again.~

In time, that weight in his chest became a dagger. Twisting at times when he would feel some small little ounce of hope. Perhaps it was a reminder. Reminding him that he was not meant to feel these things on Earth. Reminding him that all that he had to give and share with others, was in fact, something that he was never allowed to experience or even have.

~I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep feeling. Notice me! Find me! I am standing right here. Stop walking through me and touch me. Something as simple as holding my hand. Just touch me!~

Nathaniel coughed.

~I can’t breathe. I can’t- ~

More coughs.
Nathaniel grabbed at his heart as his lungs reached out for some sort of air. After a few more coughs, his breathing settled and slowed. After slowly sinking to the ground, he closed his eyes.

The pain had subsided. The lungs had stopped reaching and the heart had stopped its wounding.

Nathaniel died.

What Nathaniel was, who he truly was, couldn’t survive anymore on Earth. He had fallen to try and save them, but it was them who killed him. All that Nathaniel had to give to the world was something too few people believed in and fewer still searched for it. All that Nathaniel was and is, was shut out from this world.
Like a brightly burning candle in a wind, his light was snuffed out.

Nathaniel was dead. The Angel was suffocated. The Angel of Love is dead.

As his eyes adjusted, he saw a face.

“Welcome home Nathaniel. I missed you.”

The face slowly became a body with arms outstretched and wings stretched out even further. The second their hands touched, such warmth and power had entered his heart again. This angel that stood before him helped him up and took him in his arms.

~I remember you. I know you. I have missed you so much. You are the one.~

Tears of joy streamed down Nathaniel’s face. The angel wiped each one away and kissed Nathaniel.

“You were never alone, I was always with you. When you fell to give the world your gift, I went after you. I couldn’t exist with out you by my side, even if you never knew I was there. When you started to remember who you were and called out for help, I caressed your face. At night, I would lay beside you, wrapping my arms and wings around you. It was then that you seemed to know I was there. Every time you would reach out for me, I was there. I love you Nathaniel and I would follow you through Earth forever and again. I love you.”

As the angel took his arms off of Nathaniel, Nathaniel realized that he was flying once again. The Angel of Love had been restored.


The angel took Nathaniel by the hand and guided them as they flew towards the sunset. As they watched the sun go down, he took Nathaniel in his arms again and they shared the kiss that brought love back to the world.

The Silver Prince

Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom, there lived a young prince. He had everything his heart desired, except for one thing.

One cold winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle. She offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Without a second thought, he welcomed her in and gave her one of his best rooms. Confused by his warmth and acceptance, she held true to her promise and gave him her rose.

After his attendants had taken her to her room and gave her warm clothes to sleep in, the prince came to her room. He had many questions about that rose. It was the red of blood, the green of emerald, and was as soft as satin. But what amazed him the most was that the rose had a shine of silver to it and bright sparks of silver would fall from it when it was moved.

He asked her what sort of enchantment was placed upon it. She responded only by placing one finger to her lips and making a hushing sound. Then she turned and fell asleep instantly without a sound. The prince stood there in awe of his gift from her. He agreed that he would question her again in the morning and went to his room. After changing and placing the rose beside him on the table, the prince too fell asleep

Then, it happened. The rose began to bloom. One petal at a time would open and take its position. As each one moved, more and more silver fell on to the table and a bright light began to shine. In time, the entire room was filled with a silver glow, yet the prince never stirred, not once. Then came sounds of innocent laughter and joy, followed by such beautiful songs and voices. Something was happening because of the blooming rose.

The prince never once stirred, but the attendants and servants began to wake one by one to the noises. They became enchanted by the beautiful songs that they had to follow them to the source. One by one, they gathered around the prince's door and had to cover their eyes from the silver light that was seeping through the cracks from the door.
By now, the prince's advisor had joined the audience to the door. Growing more and more cautious for the prince's safety, he ordered the door to be broken down. As the guards came, they struck the door with all their might. No keys worked and no amount of force budged the door.

Even with all this, the prince never once stirred.

Growing more nervous and worried, the advisor ordered guards sent to the woman's room. As they came to her door, they came to learn that it was locked and was as unmovable as the prince's door. Entering a panic, the adviser was at a loss of what to do.

Then the clock struck midnight. With each passing toll of the bells, the lights dimmed and the songs grew more and more quiet. Silence had fallen on the castle like a veil. The only sound heard to the castle's tenants was a heart beat

To this very day, it is unknown if it was their own heart beats, or someone else's. It was said that heart beat was heard around the world as time stood still.

Not one person moved, they had no idea what was going on. But as quickly as they had all arisen from their sleep, they began to feel such a strong power over them that they fell asleep where they stood, slowly moving to the floor upon which they stood.

Silence.

Everyone in the castle was sound asleep and did not stir once.

As dawn arrived, each member of the castle staff awoke in their own bed, not in their place on the floors. The last to wake was the advisor. He rushed to the prince's room to see what had happened. Most of the tenants remembered the night's events and followed.

The door again did not move.

The beating of hands seemed to wake the heart beat again. It echoed through the halls and never once skipped a beat.
The prince was still in his bed, untouched, unmoved, and unaffected by the sounds. His room was lined in silver sparks and pieces. Almost as if a wind had entered the room, the silver moved and formed a hand moving closer and closer to the prince. The hand reached his face and gave one cheek a soft caress. Feeling this, the prince's eyes opened as the silver vanished.

When he sat up, he looked around to see such beautiful patterns of silver across his bed and his room. As he looked around, he saw the rose. It was in full bloom and looked as if the petals were ruby and the stem and leaves were emerald. As he picked up the rose, he smelt it and never before had he smelt such a beautiful scent.

After this, he door opened and his advisor rushed in to see to his health. The prince got up and asked the advisor of the old woman. Almost knowingly, they both turned and headed to her room, with the rest of the staff following behind. As they reached her room, he reached for the door knob, but before his fingers touched, the door opened.

To their eye's disbelief, there was no sign that this room had ever been entered in at least a month or two. Before the prince was able to even take a breath to ask his advisor about the old woman, there was a knock heard on the castle door.

Heading down the steps, they heard a knock again. The prince waved the guard off and answered the door himself.
There was nothing, not even the night's events that could have prepared them for what was waiting on the other side of the door. In all their years, they have never understood how this even came to be.

As the prince's eyes adjusted, he saw a man. This man was roughly the same age as he was, well tailored, and well groomed. But what struck him with the most intrigue was that he felt he knew him.

The prince was speechless in awe of the beauty and familiarity of the man that stood before him that not a sound came from his mouth.

The man began to speak.
"I, I do not know where I am, and I do not know how I got here.
I was asleep and awoke to this sound. I thought at first it was drums of some sort. But as I awoke more and more, I came to realize that my hand was moving to my heart. With each beat, I felt my heart beat in time. I realized they were beating in exact unison.
Before I knew what was happening, I found myself walking, following, searching. It was as if I was lost and was following the path to where I knew I belonged.
In time, I heard voices. They were singing songs of such amazing beauty and the beat only got stronger.
In the black of the night, I saw such wonderful images dancing in silver, they spoke to me somehow.
I learned things.
I learned that this beat I heard was not only my heart beat, but yours as well. Two hearts, beating as one.”

The prince knew what the rose's secret was. For so many years, he has forgotten what it was like to feel his heart beat. Now, looking at this man before him, he knew that he was given that once piece that was missing from his life. His true love had found him.

In that moment, the two took each other in their arms and shared a kiss that brought such warmth to the world that it is said winter ended a month early and started up a few months late

The prince became known as the Silver Prince and he and his true love ruled together as the Destined Lovers until it became time to take their rightful place in the sky as the two brightest stars.

And they lived happily ever after, for all time.