“Child of the day, why are you here? You young dancer of the night, you should not stray too close to the edge. Gift, why do you wander so? Silly little one, you might fall.”
~ . . . What?~
Nathaniel awoke in his bed, feeling both cold and warm. Feeling somewhat out of breath, he turned and looked at the clock.
7:30am.
~Was that a dream? I can’t . . . I can’t tell if th- I need to get ready.~
Before he began to think for himself, he was happy. It was as if he could live every day and not worry about anything. He knew who he was. But so much has been changing. His friends were changing. His world’s been changing. His family members are changing. He . . . he is changing most of all. All that he knew was becoming something so strange and foreign.
~ I once knew who I was. It was as if I could write out every detail, every tiny little thing that was me, I could tell you. But now . . . I can’t even tell myself who I am.~
Thoughts that once befriended him now victimized him. His thoughts became the day’s chains, trials, and tribulations.
For years, Nathaniel had gone through the same routine. Day in, day out, the same thing. Being a senior in high school hadn’t given him any change or refuge. Even in a crowded room, he was alone. Among friends, he had none to turn to for some sort of answers to this disintegration. His family would have no answers for him, good or bad. He was alone.
~God, where are you? I need you more than I ever have. God I am lost. Please come to me and tell me. Answer me. . . . Answer me. . . . Answer me?
I am . . . alone.~
The college years gave no change. Everything was still the same.
~God, just please. A sign is all I need. Please!~
A warm wind caressed his face. He carried on.
~What are these strange feelings? Are they memories of some sort? I don’t understand them.~
Images crossed his mind. Some of the images were almost as if he was remembering a long forgotten past. He saw strange figures walk before him and orbs floating around him. From time to time, he could feel this strange energy flowing between his fingers. It was as if warm satin was weaved between his fingers.
~Could the images be true? Could that really be me? Am I a . . . Am I an . . .~
He never knew how much he really knew. Had he finished one of these sentences of thought, he would have answered his question. But not just yet. It wasn’t time.
Nathaniel came across an opportunity. He saw a chance to get away and to leave all this behind. He wanted to just escape. He took it and left. Nothing was going to hold him back.
It was an adventure. He was able to live. For the first time in a very long time, he felt so alive. But what he got, was the chance to think.
In this far away land, he found a family. They nurtured him and helped him in ways he could never thank them enough for.
On one of the most beautiful days. Something changed. Something clicked. He never knew what it was, but he knew it. He got his answer.
In that moment, such love and joy and freedom entered him. It was divine. As the tears filled his eyes and washed his face, he knew. All those years that he lost himself just came rushing back.
~Thank you God. I know who I am now. I . . . I can fly again.~
He laughed at this idea because for some strange reason, he felt as if he had before. He felt some strange memory like thought where he was flying.
~Wouldn’t that be nice? To fly again. Again? What am I thinking? I have never flown. Have I?~
With the revelations, his entire world changed. He got a taste of something he’d never experienced before. Love. It was something that he never knew how much his body longed for it. He never knew how much he needed it.
That first kiss. His heart soared, his pulse raced. It was as if he was flying again.
Though it was short lived, he learned that it was a tarnished and gilded image of love. But he knew he needed it. True Love. That taste gave him a craving. It was as if his purpose had finally been revealed to him.
In time, his adventure ended. He returned to his home and was ready to share all he had learned with his world.
Nothing had changed. Where he had changed so completely, everything had stayed so completely the same.
~ How is this possible? Am I to be trapped in this world again? Am I going to drown again?~
The return to college was warm and embracing. As soon as he returned, he sank right back in.
~I am drowning again. I can’t do this.~
Crowds again with no company. It was as if all of who he was became transparent. Those he knew once, now looked at him as if he was a stranger. To the rest of the world, it was as if he was not to be acknowledged. It would have been as if he would never be noticed.
~Please just look at me. Know that I am here! Hello! . . . Hello . . . Hello? Somebody . . . please.~
In all his searching, he only found variations on new aged tortures. With his first he was used and disposed. With his second he was not important enough. With the third he was just another to be added to the collection. It was as if he was nothing more than theirs to toss around.
No matter how many invisible wounds he had to heal, it was as if there was something more. It was almost as if something with in him was keeping him alive. It kept him alive just enough to continue a search.
~If this is all my searching leads me too, just one pain after another, then why? Why do I still want to keep searching? This is only killing me.~
Another warm breeze caressed his face and it was as if all the troubles were gone again. For a small time at least.
~Am I here? I can feel this thing in my chest. With each passing day, I can feel it getting heavier and heavier.~
When Nathaniel was able to get past an episode of insomnia, he would fall in to such deep sleeps. He would become un-wakeable and un-moveable. It didn’t seem to matter if he would dream or not, he would always awaken to the same exact thing. He would awaken to find himself reaching out for someone that was never there.
Wandering. Nathaniel felt as if all he ever did was wonder. He felt he would wander from destination to destination, class to class, room to room. He was just there. Wandering the Earth. Alone.
With each day, he could feel the weight in his chest getting heavier and heavier. Something else was changing within him.
~Please, look at me. Someone! Anyone. Just notice that I am here! I am here. . . . I am here?
I’m drowning again.~
In time, that weight in his chest became a dagger. Twisting at times when he would feel some small little ounce of hope. Perhaps it was a reminder. Reminding him that he was not meant to feel these things on Earth. Reminding him that all that he had to give and share with others, was in fact, something that he was never allowed to experience or even have.
~I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep feeling. Notice me! Find me! I am standing right here. Stop walking through me and touch me. Something as simple as holding my hand. Just touch me!~
Nathaniel coughed.
~I can’t breathe. I can’t- ~
More coughs.
Nathaniel grabbed at his heart as his lungs reached out for some sort of air. After a few more coughs, his breathing settled and slowed. After slowly sinking to the ground, he closed his eyes.
The pain had subsided. The lungs had stopped reaching and the heart had stopped its wounding.
Nathaniel died.
What Nathaniel was, who he truly was, couldn’t survive anymore on Earth. He had fallen to try and save them, but it was them who killed him. All that Nathaniel had to give to the world was something too few people believed in and fewer still searched for it. All that Nathaniel was and is, was shut out from this world.
Like a brightly burning candle in a wind, his light was snuffed out.
Nathaniel was dead. The Angel was suffocated. The Angel of Love is dead.
As his eyes adjusted, he saw a face.
“Welcome home Nathaniel. I missed you.”
The face slowly became a body with arms outstretched and wings stretched out even further. The second their hands touched, such warmth and power had entered his heart again. This angel that stood before him helped him up and took him in his arms.
~I remember you. I know you. I have missed you so much. You are the one.~
Tears of joy streamed down Nathaniel’s face. The angel wiped each one away and kissed Nathaniel.
“You were never alone, I was always with you. When you fell to give the world your gift, I went after you. I couldn’t exist with out you by my side, even if you never knew I was there. When you started to remember who you were and called out for help, I caressed your face. At night, I would lay beside you, wrapping my arms and wings around you. It was then that you seemed to know I was there. Every time you would reach out for me, I was there. I love you Nathaniel and I would follow you through Earth forever and again. I love you.”
As the angel took his arms off of Nathaniel, Nathaniel realized that he was flying once again. The Angel of Love had been restored.
The angel took Nathaniel by the hand and guided them as they flew towards the sunset. As they watched the sun go down, he took Nathaniel in his arms again and they shared the kiss that brought love back to the world.
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