Sending Out, This Heart of Mine, In Search

I’m taking the advice of, shall we say, my fairy godparents. They have advised me to send out my wish, my true heart’s desire. I will. I will take their advice. I will take their advice and send out my heart and soul’s deepest wish. My deepest desire. I stand here, Asking for What I Want, letting the Universe and other people know what I need.

Snow White wished for the one she loves to find her…Aurora danced with him once upon a dream…Jasmine trusted him…Belle was saved, only to turn around and save him…

Now I wish for the one I love to find me. I have danced with you once upon a dream and I would trust you with my heart. Now come save me…so I can save you in return.

I know there are many things that I want and need right now: to be cast in plays, get good grades, stay healthy, graduate, and so on and so forth…But there is one thing that I want above all else. Something that I feel I need more than oxygen and water.
I want love.
I need love.

Heart don’t fail me now. Courage don’t desert me. Don’t turn back now that we’re here. Somewhere down this road, I know someone’s waiting. Years of dreams just can’t be wrong. Arms will open wide. I’ll be safe and wanted, finally home where I belong.
~Anastasia

For years, I wondered and imagined what it would be like. I have imagined what it would be like to have and to hold someone in my arms. I wondered what it would be like to feel his lips caress mine. I imagined what it would be like to just lay next to him and run away in to his eyes. I wondered what it would belike to hear him say those three small words of such great magnitude and power.
I still wonder what all of these are like.

I thought that I had experienced at least one of these. I grew to find I was wrong. It’s funny almost now, to me at least. I think of all the times my heart was in danger and attacked, and I can realize that I never really gave up a part of me. I never lost a piece of me. As much as I was hurt, I was never damaged. It was as if every fiber of my being just knew. There was no way we were meant to be together. I knew that this was not him, somewhere out there is who I am really looking for.

I stand here before you alone, but with so much in my heart.

I long for the day my heart holds you, when you’re fast a sleep. To wake in your arms each morning, beside you, eternally.

Who is it that I want? I want the dream come true. I want the man who will steal my heart, trading mine for his, and keep it in the warmest and safest place. I want the man that will kiss me just because he loves me. I want the man that will take me in his arms because standing next to me is too far away. I want the man that just has to call me so he can hear my voice and tell me he loves me. I want the man that makes me believe in love over and over again each and every day. I want the man that becomes my friend, that becomes my boyfriend, that becomes my lover, that becomes my husband…but all along, he always was and forever will be my true love.

What it is that I want? During the day, I want us to spend time together. I want to walk hand-in-hand. I want us to laugh together and learn together and live together. When he needs strength, I want him to turn to me. When I need strength, I want him to want me to turn to him. I want us to experience the day together. At night, I want to lay out under the stars, just talking about everything and nothing. I want to sleep with him and actually sleep; our legs entwined, our arms embracing each other, and his chest as my pillow…his breaths and heartbeat…my lullabies.

What is it that I need? I need to be trusted. I need to be respected. I need to be desired. I need to be needed. I need to know that I am the only one in his eyes, in his arms, and in his heart. I need my soul mate. I need all these things and more that I promise to give him in return.

Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good.
~ Aaron Davis

I have had so many visions and dreams of this future. Even after all my heartache and pain, I still believe in it. I see it as true as 1 plus 1 equals 2. There is one vision that comes to me stronger than anything and everything.
When I started to just doubt that I would ever find him, I “blacked out” almost. I saw my vision fade away and in its place, a new vision formed. I was standing in this beautiful kitchen. Then I see this boy and he walks up to me holding this paper.
Little Boy: “Look what I drew in class.”
Me: "Wow, this is beautiful. Who are they?"
Little Boy (as he points to the figures): "It's you, me, and Daddy."
Then just like that, my vision faded away and back to the current time.
It was all so real that I almost broke down crying my eyes out cause of pure happiness. I still believe that is a vision of the future for us. No matter what time or how long it takes, I still believe with my entire heart that I have son somewhere in this cosmic waiting room, just waiting for us.

I am a Christian, Gay male. Both of those titles are two huge parts of my life. I must admit, I do believe that God made us and Jesus saved us and everything that Christianity stands for…but I don’t believe that we are sinners. I don’t believe that we should sit there and listen to someone interpret the Bible. I drowned once and saw things. I have experienced so many things. In all of these experiences, I grew so much stronger in my faith. I used to say that it didn’t care if he was Christian or not, just as long as he believed in something. Now, I want him to be Christian also. I’m not a preacher nor do I preach, but it is something that is very important to me. But yet, this is just hard to explain…I don’t want to be Christian and drag down someone who isn’t, and I don’t want to be dragged down by someone who isn’t Christian.

I know I don’t have all the answers and I don’t expect for him to be able to just show up and have all of the answers. I want us to find each other. I want us to learn the answers together. I know that I am ready.

As much as I fear taking that leap again, I want nothing more than to open my eyes and jump into his arms.

So this is love: tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, in a whole new world, I danced with you once upon a dream, and away to your castle we’ll go as we share true love’s kiss.

My beating heart knows you have the key. Once you unlock it, the endless supply of all my love with in is yours and yours alone. Till that fateful day, I will keep it stored safe and sound.

I love you.

o
And as these words are sent out into the world and the universe, a series of events has been started. The seed is planted.
~O
With my heart as the power source and the universe as the planter, the events have started taking motion. The seed is growing to a sprout.
~@
Like all good things, this takes time. But because of the purity and strength of my wish and desire, the time needed goes by like a flash of light. The seed that has sprouted blooms. The bloom becomes a rose that stands out above all the rest and never wilts.

And the fairytale becomes the reality,
And they live Happily Ever After.